Friday, September 26, 2008

10 years ago my husband died

I can't believe it's been 10 years since Ken died. We were high school sweetheart , dated for 6 years before we got married, had 3 gorgeous kids together, shared a common past and common dreams for our future. Then on Sep. 26th 1998, when our baby boy was just 2 months old, after 9 years of marriage, he died.

Losing someone you love is so totally incomprehensible. When it's a spouse, your lives are so intertwined. Sometimes its hard to know where you stop and your spouse begins. You dream about your future together and then watch it unfold as you start careers, buy your first house, give birth to your children, watch them grow, plan for vacations and travel, retirement and grandkids. You know each other's biggest weaknesses and love them anyway. You know what your spouse's favorite foods are, what kinds of movies they like, how they like to spend their free time, how they take their coffee. You share the same routines. You can't imagine life without the other person. And then, one day, you're changing diapers and cleaning house, buying groceries and playing with the kids and the phone rings. And everything is changed forever.

For some, the death of loved one comes slowly and painfully after an extended illness. For me it came quickly with a car accident and a phone call.

It takes time for the mind and the heart to grasp such a violent loss. You feel like giant pieces of yourself are suddenly ripped out leaving gaping wounds. You want to crawl under the covers of your bed and sleep forever, only the baby is crying and the toddlers are hungry. Every morning you wake up and realize anew that
he's never coming back

You go to the grocery store and are amazed that everyone else is unchanged. You watch people laughing and gossiping and carrying on with their lives and you want to shout " WAIT!Don't YOU UNDERSTAND? THE WORLD HAS JUST FALLEN APART! HOW CAN YOU ORDER a DOUBLE NO FAT LATTE WITH WHIP CREAM?"

10 years. Longer than we were even married. He would have been 42. I still love him. I'm still mad at him for dying.

But except for days like today, when the memories come back hard and unrelenting and I cry until my well of tears is dried up, I'm amazingly ok. Life has gone on. I have fallen in love again and married a wonderful man. My oldest kids are now teenagers and thriving in school and friendships. My youngest doesn't remember having any other father than Jay who I've been married to for 7 years now. Joy has seeped back into my life.

And yet, and yet, I am no longer innocent. I have suffered. Joys are no longer pure but tinged with sorrow.

My God is no longer impersonal but deeply personal. He truly comforted me in my darkest days. He gave me strength when I ran out of my own. He gives me the hope of someday being reunited with Ken in heaven. He has provided for my every need. I've seen people who grieve without the grace of God. They become bitter and joyless. They get stuck in the grief and it defines who they are.

For Ken, I miss you, I'll always love you and look forward to our joyous reunion in Heaven.


angeljoy said...

Thank you for your transparent honesty.
I have been married 22 years. I've never lost a spouse, but I have lost people close to me and completely identify with wondering how the rest of the world can go on seemingly unchanged.
I'm so glad that God has shown himself faithful to comfort you.
May the blessings continue...

The Curtis Boys said...

What beautiful words. I had a baby boy in Aug. of 1998 so he is the same age as your son. I think about the fact that my husband could have been taken from me and I would have been left raising two small boys alone. How difficult that would have been! God is so good, though and I am so glad for you that He gave you comfort, joy and hope. I am sure that your words will someday offer comfort to someone who experiences the same loss and needs the hope that you have.


Heather said...

You have touched my heart this morning. We don't know each other, but we are sisters in Christ and I pray this morning that God's peace that passes understanding fills your soul. Warmly, Heather

Pamela Chiasson said...

Well, I have not checked your blog in awhile and I was moved to do so today. thank you for sharing. I just posted on my blog for the first time yesterday since my husband died almost 10 months ago. Your words are encourgement for me
thank you for sharing peace and light

littlethings1 said...

Thank you for your touching post, my sisters husband was killed (airplane) almost 14 years ago , they were high school sweethearts. Then 10 years later her only daughter was killed in a car accident. Our family knows the grief & sorrow of loosing someone so dear to our hearts. Iam thankful that you have allowed God to heal your heart. God bless you much !

Kathy said...

What a beautiful post honoring your husband and the love you shared, Lennea. May your life be filled with peace and love. It sounds like he was the kind of man who would want nothing but joy for you!

SweetAnnee said...

thank you for sharing your heart.
I cried for you , prayers for all of you
I know your blessing of love and love
and GOD
tight hugs from me

BLUEYEDUCKstudios said...

it isn't the same - but I just lost my friend... my Dad...

it is my first loss so I know a little of that unrealness you wrote of as I walk through the day and everyone else is still living like he never died...

God is sovereign. I don't understand it all - but I trust Him fully.



Counting Your Blessings said...

Your words are beautiful. God has been here -in your words. I'm certain they have touched more people than who will admit it -or maybe they aren't ready to admit it yet. ((hugs)) Blessings... Polly (your swap partner)

Mardel Timmons said...

Your parents are also very impressed with your comments. We were constantly amazed at how God sustained you through the pain of your loss. We all walked through that pain, but our pain was different in that we were hurting for our daughter and family. We have rejoiced over how your children have grown and matured under the umbrella of your love and God's love. We also celebrate the fact that God brought Jay into your life and how his love for you and your children has helped all of you feel safe and secure, as you continue to grow as a family. We love you. Dad and Mom

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